The Turning Point from Darkness to Recovery

Disclaimer: This post contains discussions of suicide and drug use, which may be distressing or triggering for some readers. If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or are struggling with substance abuse, please seek immediate professional support.

Last year around this time, I was in a really dark place mentally. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship not too long before then, but in turn, I lost my vehicle, my apartment, and my income. The abuse alone left me feeling wrecked, but to have lost everything I built up really made sure that I was in my lowest of lows.

I remember that one of the hardest aspects of being in the situation that I was in was being estranged from my family and friends. My whole support network had crumbled. Of course, I did not feel inclined to even try to reach out to them. The state I was in, I didn’t think that would be wise. I was in the depths of addiction and thoughts of well-being were few and far in-between. It seemed as though there was no end in sight to the struggle that I was going through, that there was no way out of the hole I had dug for myself.

For several months, I contemplated ending everything. There are several times in my past in which I had unsuccessfully attempted it, so this time I thought about a way to do it that would be fool-proof. A few years earlier, I had had a stroke from intravenous use of methamphetamine. I figured if I injected enough this time, it would put an end to my suffering.

I prepared several syringes with the solution and was getting ready to go ahead with it when suddenly I felt a nudging on my arm. A very insistent and firm nudging on my arm. I looked to my right and there was Bubba, looking up at me with the biggest, warmest eyes I had ever seen on him. He nudged me one more time. I knew there was no way that I could go through with it.

Instantly, I had contemplated the fact that if I followed through with my plan, he would be left alone. We hadn’t been together for too long yet, but already he had been there for me through many difficult days. He was always by my side, willing to be supportive and caring. That time was no different. The realization came to me that if he’s able to put aside his needs and wants to attend to me in my difficult times, I should reciprocate and do the same for him. I realized there was no way I was going to be able to follow through with it now.

Cuddling with him after that moment, I realized just how strong our bond was. When deciding what to write for this blog, there are a lot of times in my life that I felt loved. I could write about my mother, write about my ex from my twenties, and numerous other times. However, Bubba stopping me in my moment of desperation was a strong and recent moment.

Bubba’s always there for me in difficult times, even to this day. And I still have moments where life beats me down and the moment I think about doing something drastic, Bubba comes to mind and I realize I can’t act on them.

This post is going to be a bit shorter than my usual posts, it was difficult to write about this. Please know, that while times are still difficult for me, I have many more coping skills and a growing support network now. Things are slowly getting better. With patience and persistence, I know I’ll be able to finish digging myself out of this hole I found myself in.