The Closet

    Whoops! I was supposed to meet with the prescriber today and just evaluate the prescriptions. Plus, the labs came back, I’m vitamin D deficient. So, another prescription. I told them I’ll be going to CVS from now on. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try a local grocery store. Walmart & Walgreens have no business being in the medical field. I don’t care if they’re not properly staffed. If that’s the case, they need to make the necessary adjustments up-to and including shutting down the pharmacy and not accepting business. 
Anyways, meeting the prescriber today was supposed to be a telehealth visit, virtual over a video call on a tablet. So, they brought me to the one-on-one meeting room (very small, like a closet) sat me down in front a tablet and said she would be on in a moment. I waited 10 minutes. I even did a 2 minute breathing exercise because I was starting to feel panicked. I have claustrophobia, I hear voices when it’s quiet, and to be quite frank, my insurance is paying them to help me, not to sit in ‘solitary confinement’ for 10-15 minutes.
    I have a strong belief around solitary confinement, that it is cruel and inhuman. Yes, I had a light, a table and a chair. However, phones and laptops are not permitted. The only noise in the room was a white noise machine. Not exactly what I would consider stimulation. Quite the opposite. I’ve tried those to help me sleep at night and they only serve to aggravate me. So, I ended the call because I thought that was the most appropriate course of action. I got up, left the room and went back to where my group session was and told them no one came. I didn’t know where else to go. 
    The counselor that was conducting the group was very short with me, but a nurse came in because she saw I disconnected. They said that the prescriber was in a different video chat waiting for me. The counselor was asking me in an accusation type way, “Why aren’t you on the call? Why does it say you’re in this room? Aren’t you supposed to be in the other room?” referring to the video conference room. She wouldn’t even give me the space to explain myself. If she is going to sit on her high horse any further, then I will discontinue participating while she is conducting any of the meetings. I will zone out and mind my own business.
    The reason I am saying that is because two of the counselors seem very annoyed any time I participate within group. Most of the people say they’re here by choice however, their participation says otherwise. We have a lot of material to cover and the material is important to me and my recovery. Like my personal counselor says, this is my treatment and I should act as such. So, if the others are going to be shy and hesitant to participate I am more than happy to take the lead and ensure that the process moves along.
    So, I went back to the room and they messaged the prescriber to go into the room I was in. However, I waited another 5 minutes and still no one entered. So, I left the closet I was in, went to the meeting room and the counselor very sternly said, “No, you need to go to nursing. We do not handle anything to do with that.” As though it should be common sense. I’m sorry, it’s barely my 2nd week, technically I haven’t even been here a full week. How am I supposed to now the protocols around here?! I went to the nursing room, so this must have been 7 or more minutes on top of the original 10 that I waited. Sure enough, when I get the nurses attention, the prescriber shows up. I told them I will meet in person on Fridays and that is it. I have been to telehealth before and never left in a room without stimulation. The provider is always there, waiting, ready to start when I take my seat. If the provider isn’t ready, do not bring me infront of the camera. That’s just how I see it.

    I hate to be a dick, but I am here for my health. The people working here are working for me, for my health. It’s my insurance that is paying their business, which in turn pays their checks. My personal counselor is great! She is very receptive, and sees that I am intellectual and knows that my participation is a sign that I am agreeable to the treatment. Her and I have an agreement that I will give space for the others to participate, to even let things get silently uncomfortable. However, she encourages me to participate as much as I want.
    I will ask to meet with her tomorrow during individual time and voice my concerns, perhaps she will read this. Either way, if the other counselors feel that I am not a welcome addition to this clinic, that is fine. I will seek treatment else where. Which is unfortunate, because I am really enjoying this program and what it has to offer. I can see this leading to a real success for me. If I switch to another program that uses alternative methods, I have a very real chance at failing and that will be a very dismal outcome for me.

    So, let’s hope for the best! Lunch break is over, so back to the group sessions.

Take care.