Explore the complexities of living with mental health issues like BPD and PTSD in this candid blog post. Dive into the challenges of desiring a long life while dealing with the daily struggles of neurodivergence and mental health, and discover the coping mechanisms and thoughts that shape the author's life experience.
I had another really strong dream. It was more of a nightmare. I kept seeing all these lures crawling through a house toward the windows. They were those rubber lures that looked like worms. Everywhere I looked, I saw them. They would appear out of nowhere, tiny, super tiny. They would grow and begin crawling toward the nearest window, and grow while they did. Growing large like a finger in diameter by the time they got to the walls. Then they would crawl up the walls and out the window. I remember being thankful that they were leaving but like,…
Yesterday ended on a very heavy topic. Shame. We watched this very brief video and then began discussing the difference between shame and guilt. Then we went into the book… The part that resonated with me was about secret shame. Here’s a photo of the section in the book. Read the whole paragraph. I had to read it 5+ times before it really sank in. I think all of this relates to me, but I’m not sure. I want to process it. There’s a lot to unpack though, as is usual with therapy. But, I think it’s why I blocked…
I've been working closely with my therapist to tackle my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms, focusing primarily on emotional deregulation, a distorted sense of reality, and an ever-changing sense of self. My therapy plan is getting a week-long extension, allowing for more individual time with my therapist. More reality checks are a key part of my recovery.
The author recounts a traumatic past relationship marked by co-dependence, manipulation, jealousy, emotional abuse and infidelity. A therapy session highlighting values, relationship red flags, and dealing with trauma brought forth overwhelming memories of these experiences. The author's ex-partner's lack of consideration and unkind accusations, stemming from his potential antisocial personality disorder, amplified the author's own struggle with borderline personality disorder, adding emotional intensity, conflict, and trauma to the relationship.
We learned in more depth what “schemas” are and how they affect us. For example, a big schema for me is abandonment or fear of abandonment. This schema plays out in my relationships in such a way that I tend to push people away before they can push me away. This also falls in line with my BPD. Our workbook defines schemas as “enduring negative patterns that develop during childhood or adolescence.” There are a lot of different schemas, but here are some of mine and examples of how they manifest: To people looking in from the outside, some of…
First group, we spoke a bit about trauma. I think we’re supposed to touch on the subject but the way I’ve been reacting to things and bringing to my therapist makes me think they’re preparing me for the possibility that I may not be equipped to go through trauma based therapy yet. They spoke of the importance of having stability in one’s life before beginning trauma therapy. I can see the importance of that for sure. Stability though. I have had glimpses of that throughout my life but it’s always been just out of reach. Sorry, side note. It’s freaking…
Part of my therapy involves trauma. We haven’t gotten too heavily into it yet however, I received a handout from my therapist that has some very interesting information in it, especially with how it relates to me and my traumas. I’m both really excited to begin work on my trauma but also very anxious about the memories and emotions that it is going to bring up. I blocked out a lot of memories, especially from my childhood so I think it will be difficult to work through a lot of that, but I think it will be worth…
Last night, learning that someone went through my stuff hasn’t sat well with me. In fact, it’s affected me quite a bit. This morning, I sort of exploded and I was about to quit treatment and leave my family and live on the streets. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my therapists explained to me that it’s a very typical response for someone who experienced trauma. She said that the invasion of privacy is a clear indication of my schema. For some clarification on what schema is, I’ve asked a chatbot to put it into English…
God damnit. I hate when people make decisions for you without your consent. I hate when they think they know what’s best for you. I hate it when they don’t take your needs or wants into consideration. I just wish everyone that says they loved me would show me a little more respect. If you’re not going to give me the respect to grab my own shit, at least communicate that with me. I was supposed to go and clean out my old room with family. I had asked to be a part of that. I know…