Sleep: Underrated

    Late last night, or rather early this morning was really difficult. I’m staying with my great aunt and she spends a lot of her time babysitting one of her great-grandchildren. He’s a great kid, very articulate, smart and friendly. Lots of energy! Well, yesterday his parents asked my great-aunt if she would be willing to watch him overnight last night. I guess they said they wanted to go out for dinner and then get some rest. They had not been resting well at night. 

    She got him into bed rather early, between 8 PM and 9 PM. She left the living room to go to bed and told me I could have the living room to myself, which was nice. It has been a while since I had some “me time” which I’ve always valued. So, they went to bed and I played some video games until about 10:30, then I watched a YouTube video premiere from a channel I enjoy keeping up with called The Why Files. They’ve garnered quite a large following since I started watching them over a year ago, so maybe you’ve heard of them. 

    I remember going to bed around 12:15 AM which would have been fine. However, I was unable to get my prescription which included sleeping pills and some meds to help with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). Both of those flared up quite a bit last night. The child woke up around 4 or 5 in the morning. I still hadn’t gotten any sleep. My aunt gave me a very heavy quilt. That allowed me to get a few hours of sleep. I slept twice, in total 3 or 4 hours I think.

    I was so close, on the brink of just walking out of the house and down the street and not looking back. I am struggling, especially at night with how hard I find it to sleep. Being forced to stay awake while in the grips of withdrawal in hell I don’t wish upon anyone. I haven’t tried heroin, I think I’m fortunate in a lot of ways for that. I hear the withdrawals are painful. The withdrawals from amphetamine aren’t fun, but they’re more inconvenient than painful. The first week all you want to do is sleep, and then for months following it, you are wrecked by RLS and sleepless nights, boredom, and reminders of why you always chose to pick up the pipe. 

    I wanted to post this as an explanation for last night. I was so lost and feeling so hopeless. By the time 9 AM rolled around and I was able to get a cup of coffee in me, I was feeling much better. My aunt began to discuss the day’s plans with me and the ideas she had for the next week or two to get me into a stable living situation. I feel better now. I need to find a way to remind myself to give myself time. When I am feeling lost, hopeless, and depressed I need to stop and remember that in 12 hours I may have a completely different outlook on life.

    That will be something I bring up in therapy this week. Friday, we learned how to recognize and navigate anxiety-inducing experiences. I think it would be a good transition into whatever for me to ask how to stop and remind myself that sometimes all that is required is time. 

    Anyways, I’m going to clean the litter box. Eat some dinner. Hopefully, the system updates will be done for a console, and I can get some gaming in before bedtime. I am looking forward to taking some sleeping pills and getting 8 to 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep tonight. That is what is keeping me going today.

Take care.