Schemas

We learned in more depth what “schemas” are and how they affect us. For example, a big schema for me is abandonment or fear of abandonment. This schema plays out in my relationships in such a way that I tend to push people away before they can push me away. This also falls in line with my BPD.

Our workbook defines schemas as “enduring negative patterns that develop during childhood or adolescence.” There are a lot of different schemas, but here are some of mine and examples of how they manifest:

• Abandonment / Instability: Derived from losing a parent (divorce or death) and manifests in assuming that you will lose loved ones or that relationships will end.
• Mistrust / Abuse: Assuming others will take advantage of you or abuse you. In childhood, one is used or taken advantage of by others in their lives.
• Social Isolation / Alienation: Feeling different or separating from others. Stems from a childhood feeling or seeing that your family is treated differently.
• Defectiveness / Shame: Feeling flawed and feeling others will realize this. From having critical parents.
• Failure: Feeling that one is incapable of performing as well as others, or that one will feel that they are destined to fail. Not enough support or discipline or even encouragement.
• Dependence / Incompetence: The feeling that one is unable to handle the day-to-day responsibilities and often relies heavily on others to meet these needs. This is due to parents not providing enough independence in these areas.

To people looking in from the outside, some of these may seem pretty obvious. Other schemas may not be quite so obvious. I know that some people in my family might be shocked to hear that I did not receive support and encouragement. My mother was very supportive and encouraged me as much as she could. However, she overcompensated in a lot of areas, feeling that she needed to because I didn’t have a father figure. However, with support and encouragement, she also expected a lot from me.

For example, as a child, I scored very highly on standardized tests. Ever since her attention was drawn to this, any type of failure I had was pointed out and focused on. I was expected to exceed expectations and to be the first in my family to get a college degree. When I wasn’t matching those expectations, it brought my mother a lot of disappointment and she was very vocal about it. I think this was her form of encouragement but at the same time, I felt like I could never meet up to those expectations. I wanted the same for myself, but the goals seemed so far-sighted and with such high expectations that I could not possibly match them.

When my mom was dying of brain cancer, she expressed a lot of her fears about raising me. I consoled her and told her it wasn’t a thought or concern for me, so she wouldn’t worry about it. And I stand by that in so many ways. Looking back, I stand by that because she did the best that she could and she did so much better than many other parents would or could have. However, we all have faults. There’s no guidebook given to parents when they have children, and psychology was so vastly different in the 80s, 90s, and 00s that they probably didn’t even know all of this back then.

I don’t hold her accountable. However, there is obviously a lot that I have to work on. Our schemas manifest in so many different ways, but I’m beginning to realize the different ways they show up. For example, the fear of abandonment shows up in every relationship, even friendships. The constant looking for approval. It’s probably why when I lived with a best friend for over a decade, I was constantly asking her if she was mad or upset with me. I’ve always known that I was annoying to live with, but now I realize that I don’t even realize just to what extent that truly is!

There’s so much more we did today, and this alone I could probably write about for hours. However, it’s important that I do things outside of recovery that I enjoy. My great-aunt wanted to go grocery shopping today, but we’ve had pretty full days, so I might ask her if we can postpone that until tomorrow. We have more than enough food in the house to sustain us for a while, so rest and relaxation come first!

Take care.