Reflecting on Time

I spend a lot of time thinking about the past. Typically, about how I screwed things up or made poor decisions. It leads me to feel pretty depressed about my current situation. I’ve done that my whole life, so it isn’t unique to the current situation I’m in.

I think about the future sometimes. When I think about the near future, I think about things that I am anticipating to happen. As I said in an earlier post, I am not a very patient person. However, when I think about the distant future, like 10-20 years in the future I think of it in a broader sense. I like to think about where technology and society will be in the next few decades. How far will we have come? Will we have people on Mars yet? Will everyone have self-driving cars? Will quantum computers and artificial intelligence solve all of our problems?

I think that the way I contemplate the future is different from the past partly because I don’t have children and because while I have a plan for my future, ruminating on the future won’t make it come true. At least that’s how I feel about this question. I think my memory is also affected by my PTSD so oftentimes when I am fixated on the past, I don’t remember all of the details. When I hear others talk about their past, they seem to remember details much more easily than I do.

What I strive for is mindfulness. Being in the moment, not in the past or the future. I think that’s where peace of mind comes from. I know that worrying less about the future and ruminating less on the past will certainly reduce my stress. It’s not always the easiest to achieve though. I know that I have a wandering mind, I think we all do but some people more than others. I think that is part of the reason I think about the past so often, my mind wanders to it. I also think my impatience hinders my progress in this area. Impatience has been a big theme in my posts recently.

Anyway, it’s early and I’m just going in circles on this I think. I’m going to post this and see what’s next.