So, I just wanted to “get down on paper” a little bit about why I am in recovery. I think it’s important to share considering this blog deals with my therapy and recovery so extensively. It may shed some light on my current situation but, it’s important to know that what I’m sharing here is just a snippet. I haven’t really divulged every detail to any single person yet. There’s just so much to unpack, even just in the past 5 years or so! Eventually, I would like to write a book but for now, this snippet shall do! …And perhaps more to come depending on how well this does.
About 5 years ago, I went through a lot of changes in my life. I had to move out of the home I had been living in for a decade. I was having a difficult time finding a new place to stay. On top of that, jobs were coming and going. This was around 2018 or 2019. I wasn’t entirely “gainfully employed” as they say. I think at most, I was earning a few bucks here and there doing freelance work.
After moving around about four or five times, I finally found an apartment to settle in. It was in a converted home, upper & lower. My friend and his girlfriend lived in the lower apartment, and I moved into the upper apartment. Things were going pretty well by this time. I had a job and was in the process of getting my driver’s license back (which I had lost when I was 25 from a DUI). I picked up a second job as a delivery driver. This was pre-inflation times, so I was making pretty decent money for a bachelor living in an apartment.
I had recently gone through some difficult times. Getting a notice to vacate because the landlord sold the building and the new landlord wanted to move in, not only once but twice between 2018 & 2020, caused me a lot of complications as far as housing was concerned. I ended up staying with two relatives, during separate times but during those years. So, to finally have my own place felt great! I also appreciated what my relatives did for me. As a show of gratitude to the universe, I let a family friend stay with me for a couple of months while he waited for some financial stability to get sorted out. When he moved out, I felt really proud of the work I was doing, the things I had accomplished, where I was going in life, and how I was able to provide for others! Things were going really well for me and I was in regular appreciation of that!
In my free time, and with my newfound freedom, I decided to become a bit more active physically. I had a few people over individually and then transitioned into a group dynamic. Unexpectedly, this came with temptations of a non-physical sort. Previously, I had been referred to as a “prude” by the gay community because I was not as sexually promiscuous as other people, or as some people had wanted me to be, I guess. Either way, since I was unhindered, I decided I would try to exercise some promiscuity.
Within some gay scenes, there is something referred to as Party and Play (PNP). Essentially, people use methamphetamine as a sex-enhancement drug. I had tried meth once in my 20s but didn’t see the appeal. I figured I would give it another try, also figured I wouldn’t see the appeal. However, this time upon trying it, I definitely found it appealing. Too appealing. It wasn’t something I sought out or asked for. It was offered to me and I accepted. I honor my responsibility in that decision.
These PNP sessions happened twice, and six months apart. It wasn’t problem behavior at this point. It was a fun “holiday” I had twice a year during that year. During the second session, I had this quite unusual experience with one of the guests, we realized after several hours that we had met 6 months earlier at my first session. We found it amusing that it took us several hours to recognize each other because, for the whole time before that moment, we looked like strangers to each other. Then, unexpectedly and in the same moment for both of us, it clicked! We knew each other!
Well, this seemed like the blossoming of a friendship. I was hoping to get to know him in sober life, so I asked if he wanted to hang out. One of the days when I was sober, he came over. He invited his friend over as well. Unbeknownst to me they were both using at the time. However, when this guy’s friend walked in, I was taken aback. I really liked him. There was something colorful and expressive about his personality and demeanor that intrigued me. I was smitten, as they say.
Over the next month or so, the two of them spent more time with me. Both individually and together. I think they were both pining for me. I wanted the friend though. So, when he said he was breaking up with his partner and had to move out, it sounded like he was perhaps transitioning into a place in which we could get to know each other better. Out of respect, I didn’t consider initiating anything quite yet. However, he mentioned he would need a place to stay until he could get on his feet. I told him that my landlord would allow him to stay on the couch for up to 2 weeks but that was in. It seemed like a good solution for his transition, at least until he could find a more long-term transitional place to live. Transitional, being the place where he would stay between his permanent homes.
The first week with me, we spent a lot of time together obviously. At one point, he introduced me to his sister. She seemed like the fun type but certainly not the type that you mess with. At one point she told me not to hurt her brother. I told her I wouldn’t, and she insisted. I explained that I liked him… he was right next to me, but it was the only way I could assure her I had no intention of hurting him. Well, after she left, he told me that he liked me too. Obviously, this was exciting but I figured that he would want time to process his last relationship before anything started.
I was surprised when only half a week later, he asked why he didn’t just date. I asked him about his previous relationship and he said that it had been rocky for a while, so he had done the work of processing the break-up out of anticipation. I trusted him and figured that I was ready. I was at a really good point in my life, so why not see about sharing it with someone.
In hindsight, I realize I should have already seen a couple of red flags. I didn’t though.
(To be continued…)
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