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    Emotions & Trauma

    November 5, 2023

        Part of my therapy involves trauma. We haven’t gotten too heavily into it yet however, I received a handout from my therapist that has some very interesting information in it, especially with how it relates to me and my traumas. I’m both really excited to begin work on my trauma but also very anxious about the memories and emotions that it is going to bring up. I blocked out a lot of memories, especially from my childhood so I think it will be difficult to work through a lot of that, but I think it will be worth…

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    What’s Mine Is Not What’s Yours

    November 2, 2023

        Last night, learning that someone went through my stuff hasn’t sat well with me. In fact, it’s affected me quite a bit. This morning, I sort of exploded and I was about to quit treatment and leave my family and live on the streets. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my therapists explained to me that it’s a very typical response for someone who experienced trauma. She said that the invasion of privacy is a clear indication of my schema. For some clarification on what schema is, I’ve asked a chatbot to put it into English…

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    IDK YOU DECIDE

    November 1, 2023

        God damnit. I hate when people make decisions for you without your consent. I hate when they think they know what’s best for you. I hate it when they don’t take your needs or wants into consideration. I just wish everyone that says they loved me would show me a little more respect. If you’re not going to give me the respect to grab my own shit, at least communicate that with me.      I was supposed to go and clean out my old room with family. I had asked to be a part of that. I know…

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    The Art of Emotional Observation

    October 30, 2023

        Emotions. I think it’s safe to say that a majority of people experience emotions subconsciously, at least until they or the effects they cause become dramatic. I’ve always had an intuition that the unexamined emotional landscape is a force that is in control of one’s journey. In order to take back control, one needs to become aware of the interplay of emotions one experiences in the day, bringing this awareness to the conscious mind. In order to do that, a person must recognize the emotions they are experiencing first. I think for most people, that is the most difficult…

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    My Challenges Being a Friend

    October 28, 2023

        Learning that you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) explains a lot of interpersonal relationship issues that arise. Here, let me grab a list of symptoms and share them with you. It should illustrate what I’m referring to.  Behavioral: Antisocial behavior Compulsive behavior Hostility Impulsivity Irritability Risk-taking behaviors Self-destructive behavior Self-harm Social isolation Lack of restraint Mood: Anger Anxiety General discontent Guilt Loneliness Mood swings Sadness Psychological: Depression Distorted self-image Grandiosity Narcissism Also common: Thoughts of suicide Please note that this is not an exhaustive list of all symptoms of BPD, and that everyone experiences the disorder differently. If you…

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    The Difficult Path Leads to Fewer Regrets

    October 26, 2023

        Just got home from treatment. Today went much smoother! There was another Foundation, which I was unaware of. Foundations are the addiction stories of those in treatment, toward the end of their treatment they share their stories. Today, a gentleman shared his story. It was quite moving.His drug of choice is alcohol. He said he dabbled in other stuff when he was younger, but he’s been drinking heavily for two decades. I’m sure that many people reading this are aware that I battled with my own alcoholism not too long ago. I spent most of my twenties battling this…

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    Foundation

    October 25, 2023

        Today was difficult. Especially toward the end. We were in group, and in the last group, we had to say goodbye to two people. One of the people was asked to do what is called Foundation. It’s where you share your journey through life with addiction. So, you share where your addiction began, what it’s done to you over the years, the people you lost, etc. It was so difficult to hear this person share their story. It really hit home.     Hearing her reasons for using. Hearing the effects of her use on her life. So much of what…

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    The Closet

    October 25, 2023

        Whoops! I was supposed to meet with the prescriber today and just evaluate the prescriptions. Plus, the labs came back, I’m vitamin D deficient. So, another prescription. I told them I’ll be going to CVS from now on. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try a local grocery store. Walmart & Walgreens have no business being in the medical field. I don’t care if they’re not properly staffed. If that’s the case, they need to make the necessary adjustments up-to and including shutting down the pharmacy and not accepting business. Anyways, meeting the prescriber today was supposed to be a telehealth…

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    Sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep

    October 23, 2023

        This will be a short post. I took my sleeping pill last night, and I got really good sleep! I forgot that the sleeping pill leaves me with a hangover in the morning. It I kind of had a headache at the front of my head, my nose is like stuffy and hurts and like my whole front of the face is like congested and in pain. And I am still super tired, and that’ll last for a couple hours. The only thing that will kick me out of this is caffeine and so I’m sitting in the garage…