• Therapy

    Visceral Flashbacks

    November 9, 2023

    The author recounts a traumatic past relationship marked by co-dependence, manipulation, jealousy, emotional abuse and infidelity. A therapy session highlighting values, relationship red flags, and dealing with trauma brought forth overwhelming memories of these experiences. The author's ex-partner's lack of consideration and unkind accusations, stemming from his potential antisocial personality disorder, amplified the author's own struggle with borderline personality disorder, adding emotional intensity, conflict, and trauma to the relationship.

  • Daily Prompt

    Managing Screen Time

    November 9, 2023

    How do you manage screen time for yourself? As far as screen time management is concerned I tend not to pay too close of attention. I get the notifications on my MacBook. However, especially these days being in treatment I tend to do quite a bit less screen time than previously. I’ve always been an avid electronics user so I usually don’t set limits or try to stay within limitations or goals. I try to keep my screen time productive if anything. I may game for 1 to 2 hours a day but the rest of the time that I’m…

  • Journal Entry - Therapy

    Cold & Windy

    November 9, 2023

    So, this morning, I have a doctor’s appointment to bring my great aunt to. She broke her ankle around the time that I moved in. Today, there are x-rays to determine how well it’s healing. Then we find out how long she has to wear this god-awful boot. I feel bad about the boot; her mobility is obviously hindered by it. Not only is it rigid, but it’s very heavy and difficult to maneuver. Then after this appointment, I’ll be bringing her back home, and I’ll be going to my own appointment. I have to call therapy and tell them…

  • Journal Entry

    I hate my body

    November 9, 2023

    I can’t sleep at night. I can’t sleep in the morning. I can’t sleep during the day. My great-aunt has shit to do. Responsibilities to meet. I get it. I’m in the fucking way. She’s trying her best not to make me feel that way, but it’s just the reality. I went to bed at 11 last night. I’m syncing my Fitbit. It says I got 7.5 hours of sleep with a sleep score of 80. Then why do I feel like shit?! Every fucking morning, I wake up with my head splitting and my eyes swollen and in a…

  • Journal Entry

    Fuck the dryer

    November 8, 2023

    I am completely and wholly incompetent. I give up. I can’t even fucking start a dryer and people expect me to hold down a job and pay bills. WTF. Yeah right, you’re all real funny.

  • Journal Entry - Therapy

    Today I’m having trouble with… PEOPLE

    November 8, 2023

    For the most part, I really enjoy the treatment program that I’m in. I feel that CBT & DBT really resonate with me. Not only does it make logical sense, but it’s very relaxed and forgiving. I really think that had it been strict and regimented, I would be in opposition to it the whole time. Everything that I’ve learned through treatment has proven useful in a lot of ways. Not only with addiction recovery, but depression, anxiety, mood stabilization, dealing with stressors, and more. Today, however… Today has been difficult. I left the house feeling annoyed today. I don’t…

  • Therapy

    Schemas

    November 7, 2023

    We learned in more depth what “schemas” are and how they affect us. For example, a big schema for me is abandonment or fear of abandonment. This schema plays out in my relationships in such a way that I tend to push people away before they can push me away. This also falls in line with my BPD. Our workbook defines schemas as “enduring negative patterns that develop during childhood or adolescence.” There are a lot of different schemas, but here are some of mine and examples of how they manifest: To people looking in from the outside, some of…

  • Therapy

    Trauma and Tomorrow

    November 7, 2023

    First group, we spoke a bit about trauma. I think we’re supposed to touch on the subject but the way I’ve been reacting to things and bringing to my therapist makes me think they’re preparing me for the possibility that I may not be equipped to go through trauma based therapy yet. They spoke of the importance of having stability in one’s life before beginning trauma therapy. I can see the importance of that for sure. Stability though. I have had glimpses of that throughout my life but it’s always been just out of reach. Sorry, side note. It’s freaking…

  • Journal Entry

    Today…

    November 6, 2023

    Well, today has been a shit show. This morning, I was not in the best of moods. I was able to calm down after I got some more rest though. Luckily, I got paid so I was able to get some new socks. Six pairs. I’m definitely grateful for that, and I was able to get a vape and pay my great aunt back some of the money I owe her. My next payment has to go to her and cat food. Then, I hope I’m caught up on nearly everything that I need. Tonight, I met a cousin of…

  • Uncategorized

    Stupid fucking socks

    November 6, 2023

    I currently have a whopping 3 socks. Not 3-pairs of socks. 3 socks. One has a hole in them. So, 2 socks. I have 2 socks. 1 of those socks is dirty and stinky. I have 1 clean and whole sock. But Bonnie knows best, right? Bonnie to the rescue! She left me with a laundry basket of mismatched clothes. That’s what I have to live out of for now. I cannot keep living out of a laundry basket on someone’s couch. I cannot do it anymore. I’m going insane. I am trying so hard to get my shit together…