Another wonderful day in the life of Justin. When I was having that episode about people going through my mail, and because I didn’t know when or where I would have a more permanent address, I put my mail on hold. Well, today I had time to pick it up. So, I went to the post office and I put a change of address in. In order to pick up the mail, I had to go to two other post offices, the 2nd one has the mail directed through the 3rd one. The guy at the 3rd one was pretty…
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Taking a break during lunch, I'm reflecting on my journey dealing with addiction, borderline personality disorder (BPD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Recognizing I won't achieve perfection, I've noticed progress in coping skills and early identification of mood shifts. Despite repeated group reviews, I feel closer to a "typical life" and am determined to sustain this positive momentum.
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Okay, so.. I am writing this using speech to text so forgive it if it sounds confusing. I am discharging today from the hospitalization care. Which is a 6 hour a day therapy, I’m going down to the three hour a day therapy. That should be for about 4 weeks or so, and then I’ll be done with therapy all together. My plan after that is to go to NA meetings at least once a week. While being here I learned that you can go to the NA meetings over the internet, and you can go to them all around…
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If you could meet a historical figure, who would it be and why? I think if I could meet anybody from the past it’s no longer around, I think I would want to meet Einstein or Tesla. I think both figures would be interesting, but I think a lot of Einstein’s information and papers are released in public. I think it would Tesla has to offer is not available and so it would be interesting to meet with him to see what sort of ideas that he has that didn’t make it out to the public. According to the documentaries…
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I had another really strong dream. It was more of a nightmare. I kept seeing all these lures crawling through a house toward the windows. They were those rubber lures that looked like worms. Everywhere I looked, I saw them. They would appear out of nowhere, tiny, super tiny. They would grow and begin crawling toward the nearest window, and grow while they did. Growing large like a finger in diameter by the time they got to the walls. Then they would crawl up the walls and out the window. I remember being thankful that they were leaving but like,…
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Walking into therapy used to be something I looked forward to each day. Lately, it seems like I am not getting much out of it because I've been coming for a while now, and that stuff is beginning to be repetitive… Sitting in a small room and working on paperwork is enough to drive me insane… Sometimes, I really hate how different I am… When I am forced to spend several hours on one task with the expectation that I won't get distracted, it frustrates me… Anyway, I really wish the person who was making the decision for my disability…
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Yesterday was rough, emotionally. I think the primary issue was that I held expectations going into this weekend. Expectations breed disappointment. I’m probably about 30-35% of the way done with my friend’s website, excluding images in which she is taking updated photos. I was hoping to have the website about 80% complete by now. My goal was to have it ready to go live before Thanksgiving. The reason for that is so she can hopefully get some more sales for Christmas. There are a few roadblocks that I was not expecting though. I should know by now that hurdles come…
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This weekend was a complete wash. I didn’t get anything done. What a joke. I should have just slept more.
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I refrained from blogging yesterday to allocate time for a one-on-one session with my therapist, delving into significant aspects of childhood trauma. It's an arduous process, but imperative for personal growth. Simultaneously, my day off facilitated substantial progress on a friend's website, contributing to my evolving portfolio. Additionally, the escalating costs of various necessities present a considerable challenge in contemporary times. The intricate nature of adult responsibilities remains an ongoing struggle.
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Yesterday ended on a very heavy topic. Shame. We watched this very brief video and then began discussing the difference between shame and guilt. Then we went into the book… The part that resonated with me was about secret shame. Here’s a photo of the section in the book. Read the whole paragraph. I had to read it 5+ times before it really sank in. I think all of this relates to me, but I’m not sure. I want to process it. There’s a lot to unpack though, as is usual with therapy. But, I think it’s why I blocked…