One Thing I Would Do Differently

I often hear from friends that I have poor taste in men. They’re not wrong. I’m terrible at picking the good apples from the bunch of spoiled ones. The last one I dated, he was a real doozy. Perhaps it’s because of my lack of experience. I haven’t dated a lot of men… Well, I mean I dated a fair number. Just not many long-term relationships. Some of them, I wouldn’t even call men. Man, were some of them childish. Seems common in that demographic though.

There was one that was a gem. And I don’t mean that sarcastically. He was kind, thoughtful, and attentive. It seems like another lifetime. It was over 10 years ago that we dated. I met him while working at a drive-thru coffee shack. Yes, I was a barista once. It was a job that I really enjoyed. It wasn’t too stressful, and I was paid above normal minimum wage and earned tips. The best tipper was this stripper who would come through about 5 nights a week on her way to work. She would pay with a fifty and leave the rest as a tip. Coffee wasn’t as expensive then as it is now, so that was a damn good tip.

I digress. As I was saying, I met him while working as a barista. He would drive through and get two coffees each day, sometimes twice a day. I think early on I wondered who the second latte was for. I found out pretty quickly that it was for his mother. It wasn’t until a few weeks of flirting that I found out his mother was in the back seat the whole time. She’s disabled and their van was one of those wheelchair accessible vans. I remember feeling my face heat up with redness when I found out. I thought our flirtatious banter was private.

I eventually met his mother, a lovely woman. She never mentioned the fact that she had to sit through that horrible scene, the awkward small talk each day as we would shyly ask each other how things were going. I really enjoy those moments. When things are fresh and my heart is all a flutter. I think it’s one of the reasons I’m so slow when it comes to making a move. Even just figuring out if they’re gay as well. I’d rather take things slowly. That’s a lesson I could have put to use in my most recent relationship.

However, this guy and I did take things slowly. After a year of dating, I wanted things to progress faster. I wanted to start talking about getting our own place and such. I was deeply in love with him and planned on marrying him someday. I rushed things too fast though. There were a couple of times I threatened to break up with him over it. I was very impatient. He, on the other hand, was very patient. He was always willing to listen to me gripe and whine.

In 2011, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. Stage 4 glioblastoma. I was only 23 at the time. It was a very rough time. I certainly didn’t make it any easier on myself. There was one night, I was drained from the day I had. I was bringing my mom to her radiation appointments and caring for my 2-year-old nephew. Having to entertain him while waiting for her to go through the treatments wasn’t easy.

“Why do we have to come to the hospital every day?” he’d ask in his cute tiny voice.
“Because grandma’s sick and we’re trying to make her better.” I’d respond.

It was heart-wrenching. All I wanted to do was be with my man, held in his arms, watching a movie, and getting my mind off of my day. However, he had to care for his mother. There was no one else available that night. I, being the wise one that I am, decided I would go out and find a friend to talk to. I found a friend, alright. We did more than talk.

I’m ashamed of it to this day. It’s the only time I ever did it, and I don’t think there will ever be a day in my life that won’t I regret it. After that night, there were a lot of regretful decisions made. Decisions that he said he could never move on from. I don’t blame him. Not anymore. I think I did, back when I was young and dumb. I blamed him for not being there for me. Now, I see that he would have been if he could have been. But, now is too late.

That’s how some things go though. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it? It’s hard because I was so young, to contemplate that I have the rest of my life to hold onto those regrets. There was a day when I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. My life would have been a much different life, had I just been patient. If had I been more understanding. If I had I been more attentive and just a smidge selfless.

I learned a long time ago, that life is cruel in that way. It teaches you lessons only after they could have been useful. Then it’s up to fate whether you get a second chance to use those lessons and make good on them.