My Source of Solace

I always think that anything over 80 is a long life. A lot of people are living to over 100 now. Healthcare has gotten so good that lives that long are a very real possibility for many people. Living a century is a long time in my opinion. Would I want to live that long?

As I live now, no. My life is full of a lot of struggle and it makes it very unpleasant. I’m 36 and I’m already tired of everything that I’m going through. I have a lot of trauma in my past which causes me a few diagnoses that complicate my life, BPD and PTSD among a few others. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are two distinct mental health conditions, each with its own set of symptoms. However, there can be some overlap in the symptoms experienced by individuals with these disorders. Here’s a combined list of symptoms that can be seen in both BPD and PTSD:

Common Symptoms in Both BPD and PTSD

1. Intense Emotional Swings: Experiencing rapid and intense shifts in mood.
2. Impulsive Behavior: Engaging in impulsive actions without considering the consequences.
3. Fear of Abandonment: An intense fear of being left alone or abandoned.
4. Anger Issues: Difficulty controlling anger or experiencing frequent anger outbursts.
5. Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from oneself or reality, a sense of numbness or detachment.
6. Difficulty with Relationships: Struggles in maintaining stable and healthy relationships.
7. Self-Harm or Suicidal Behavior: Engaging in self-harm or experiencing suicidal thoughts or behaviors.
8. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness or Boredom: Persistent feelings of emptiness or a lack of fulfillment in life.
9. Intrusive Memories or Flashbacks: Reliving traumatic events through flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.
10. Hypervigilance: Being excessively alert or watchful, often due to fear or anxiety.
11. Avoidance Behaviors: Actively avoiding people, places, or thoughts that are reminders of traumatic experiences.
12. Nightmares or Sleep Disturbances: Experiencing frequent nightmares or difficulties in maintaining a regular sleep pattern.
13. Negative Self-Image: Having a persistently negative or distorted self-image.
14. Anxiety and Depression: Experiencing symptoms of anxiety and/or depression.
15. Trust Issues: Difficulty in trusting others or feeling paranoia.

Unique Symptoms

• BPD Unique Symptoms: Identity disturbances, unstable self-image, and fear of abandonment are more specific to BPD.
• PTSD Unique Symptoms: Re-experiencing traumatic events, avoidance of trauma triggers, and startle responses are more specific to PTSD.

Living with these symptoms can oftentimes make my life very difficult to navigate, to say the least. For example, today I was driving from the store after picking up some pie filling and the guy next to me started talking through the car windows at the stop-and-go light. When I rolled down my window, he said that he thought I was someone he knew. Normally, this wouldn’t phase a person. However, I feel like I get this more often than not, so my mind wanders to weird places. Like the movie “The Truman Show,” I often feel like there’s a big conspiracy around me and no one is telling me about it.

I know this sounds ridiculous but the thought always comes to mind when something like this happens. Another example is when I was at my sister’s house yesterday and they were watching the football game and they kept screaming at the TV when the Packers were losing the ball. Every time they screamed, I would just and my heart would pound in my chest. I know they didn’t mean anything malicious by it, but it triggered me just the same.

There are also moments, like last night. Where something was moved and it triggered a deep and painful depression within me. I had to use coping techniques to hold back from doing something drastic. The other day, I was trying to get my computer repaired and it wasn’t going in my favor. I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry or swing my hand across the repair shop desk, tossing all the computers onto the ground. I’m waiting for SSDI to come back with a determination on my appeal because my original application was denied. I wish they could be there in those moments and see how my life actually is before they make a determination.

Back to the question at hand, about living a long life… No, I don’t want a long life. If you wanted my honest response to this, I would be perfectly okay not waking up tomorrow. This is a feeling I hold nearly all of the time, I just cope through it and pretend that everything is okay. The old troupe, “Fake it ’til you make it.” It’s the only thing I know to do. I’m medicated, I’ve been to therapy, and am waiting on a referral for more therapy. It’ll be an ongoing thing through the rest of my life. It’s important to know, there’s no cure for these diagnoses, just treatment. They can be treated. Like you treat a burn, you don’t cure it and make it disappear. It still leaves a scab which turns into a scar. I will always have to cope with these emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Knowing that is extremely frustrating. I just wish I could be typical.

If I could live a neurotypical life, then I think I would want to live as long as possible. Especially if I was successful. I think if I was neurotypical, I would have been successful. I think my neurodivergence has prevented me from taking advantage of any opportunities in my life. I remember being an adolescent and being fearful of having a 9 to 5 job when I grew up. Even to this day, the thought deeply depresses me. I want to do something productive and be a contributing member of society, I just don’t know how I can fit into society appropriately to meet those metrics.

Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is the obligation I have to care for my cat, Bubba. If I didn’t have that, I don’t think I would be here right now. Certainly not after the past year I had. I was at my deepest darkest point in life and my therapist while in treatment said that a lot of the events that led up to my current situation are most likely caused by the diagnoses I have.

I don’t want to come off as someone who is whining. There are a lot of things that I am thankful for. However, this struggle… this constant, daily struggle is exhausting. It’s enough to drive anyone to these dismal thoughts. I try to keep my mind on Bubba though, and use him as a source of solace.