My Challenges Being a Friend

    Learning that you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) explains a lot of interpersonal relationship issues that arise. Here, let me grab a list of symptoms and share them with you. It should illustrate what I’m referring to. 

Behavioral:

• Antisocial behavior

• Compulsive behavior

• Hostility

• Impulsivity

• Irritability

• Risk-taking behaviors

• Self-destructive behavior

• Self-harm

• Social isolation

• Lack of restraint

Mood:

• Anger

• Anxiety

• General discontent

• Guilt

• Loneliness

• Mood swings

• Sadness

Psychological:

• Depression

• Distorted self-image

• Grandiosity

• Narcissism

Also common:

• Thoughts of suicide

Please note that this is not an exhaustive list of all symptoms of BPD, and that everyone experiences the disorder differently. If you are concerned that you or someone you know may have BPD, it is important to seek professional help.

    After reviewing this list, I’m sure you can understand why a person with such a diagnosis can find themselves living in chaos. For example, despite knowing my diagnosis and understanding the symptoms the best I can as a layperson, today was extremely difficult for me.  I think many people who know me in person can agree, I have a very big personality. I’ve been told many times throughout my life that I can be a bit much to handle. I don’t take offense to this, it’s the truth. I understand that and so when people tell me to shut up, or they ask me to give someone else space to participate, I know that it’s only a request to better ease the experience for others.

    Today was difficult because while in therapy we’re not supposed to make friends, we have more important work to do. I was fortunate to be placed with a great group with which I resonate quite well. There are some that are beginning to bond with me, and I them. However, I’ve noticed that there are times when they will be nowhere to be found. Times where it seems like they are avoiding me. I’ve experienced this throughout my life. I understand that not everybody is accustomed to me and that not everybody is expected to get along with everybody else. It isn’t that.
These folks tell me they enjoy my company. That I brighten their days and I lend toward progressing the group sessions. These compliments make me feel great, but they can be overshadowed by my own doubt. It’s something I’m working on so I think it’s important to share my experience before my relationship with it changes. What happened today is that one of the women I have been bonding with seems to have been avoiding me a couple times throughout the day.
    It’s important to point out that she stated and is very plainly going through quite a bit in her personal life. I obviously offered my support and such, which is in character for me. Anyone who knows me will attest. However, she said this and I can see it… but my mind wants me to believe otherwise. She seemed distracted and distant when we were leaving therapy. Now, I know… I shouldn’t read too heavily into that. I wish it were as simple as just knowing that. She, without warning, turned in the other direction and asked someone for a ride. I can’t help but feel as though she wanted to run away from me as fast as she could and that she was annoyed with me and too afraid, to be honest with me. 

    I know, I shouldn’t worry about what the other people in therapy think about me. My job is to get myself healthy. I am prioritizing that. Despite that understanding, making connections with people has always been a critical aspect of my value system. When I’m unable to make a connection, like with another woman in therapy, it’s extremely disheartening and makes me doubt myself. My therapist would say that I’m using “negative self-talk” if she could hear my thoughts after these events occur.
    My therapist showed us a video today about vulnerability. One of the takeaways I got from the video (among many) was that when we get upset we should ask ourselves whether we are telling ourselves a story or not. I know that most of the time I am telling myself a story. It seems so real though that I can’t snap out of it. That I act or emote almost instantly on it. “They don’t like me. I annoy them. They don’t want anything to do with me.”
However, deep down I know that the truth (as far as I can see) is that she needed a ride, knew I had been getting rides from someone else (my relative), and that another person was readily available and willing to give her a ride. She just happened to be going in the opposite direction as them so she turned around, and asked if they could provide her a ride, and by the time the back-and-forth was over, they were out the door.

    I’m not upset with her. I’m bewildered I guess is the best way to put it. I guess I need to learn to trust the things people tell me instead of making up stories and believing them. But, so often in my life, someone has told me something and the truth is something different.  Whether it was an abusive relationship or just a negative relationship. Either way, my understanding of what others see or think about me appears to be completely distorted.

    There are many reasons I get depressed and confine myself to my room/bed. One of them is that reason. Fortunately, I won’t see her until Monday. However, it’s important that I learn techniques to stop allowing me to talk to myself like I have been. I know, I will learn those before the end of the course. But, I have lost so many friends and so much of my family to my addiction that I am eager to reconnect with those people, I can’t just put it aside. I guess, for many reasons, I should slow down and let the process work before I begin diving into the hard stuff of interacting with people. It’s just that I’ve spent so much time alone that I am excited.

    In the end, I usually recognize that it’s my BPD acting up. Not always before I act out, though. I hope I am able to learn how to deal with this demon and how to navigate the complexities of this diagnosis within the complexities of interpersonal relationships. Needless to say, it’s a mess of complicated parts and all I can do is take things one day at a time and do my best to keep on keepin’ on. Doubtful it’s true, but so what if everybody hates me. I can still benefit from the program and the work. Tomorrow is another day and usually, it comes with more opportunities to meet and make new friends.

    Sometimes it takes me a while to get these posts out. I think this is concluded and shares what I intended to share.

Take care.