How Task Variation Drives My Success

Walking into therapy used to be something I looked forward to each day. Lately, it seems like I am not getting much out of it because I’ve been coming for a while now, and that stuff is beginning to be repetitive. I spoke to my therapist and we’re going to go back to the original plan of 6 weeks, so tomorrow I’ll be done with the hospitalization portion and go down to just the group sessions from 3p-6p. I think the transition will either take place today or tomorrow. She said that I would have two days this week like that, so that would be Wednesday and Thursday.

Being in the small morning group room is giving me horrible claustrophobia. My therapist was switched to a different group, so during the individual time she is unavailable. We went through a lot of the book already, so working on it is only a repeat of the same material. Right now, I’m working in the family room which allows me the use my laptop. I can’t sit in a small room with the same 3 people every day and no stimulation. I’m sorry to anyone who finds this offensive, but it’s insufferable. I sat in a small room for over a year when I was staying with my cousin, but I had stimulation. Even when I was sober, I was constantly working on my business and various other tasks.

When I’m out of therapy, I’m fine. I keep myself busy with productive things, whether it’s working on my website, or my friend’s website, blogging, helping my great aunt, spending time with family, playing video games, talking to friends, and getting to know my cousin(s). There’s a lot for me to do. Sitting in a small room and working on paperwork is enough to drive me insane.

Sometimes, I really hate how different I am. I wish I could just be content with the things other people are. I wish I could just be calm and level-headed all the time, like one of the guys in the group. Even now, sitting here, I have to constantly move my feet. I just went for a walk. I think that’s one of the reasons holding down a 9-5 job is so difficult for me. When I am my own boss, I can work for 18 hours straight because I can change tasks throughout the day, I can vary my structure in order to maintain my interest and attention. When I am forced to spend several hours on one task with the expectation that I won’t get distracted, it frustrates me.

Speaking of that, I remember that school was difficult because I was constantly talking to people, asking questions, and walking around. The teachers would get upset but I couldn’t just sit and focus on one thing. The reason I loved running my business was because there was an endless supply of various tasks that needed to be done. I could find something to do, something different every 45 minutes and it would all contribute to something tangible. That’s one of the things I enjoyed about being a supervisor over a large team in a call center. Every hour I had something different I was required to do. There was a lot of interaction with others. I had a lot of freedom. The part that interfered with that job was the alcoholism. I think I ended up getting let go because of an FMLA issue when I threw my back out.

Anyway, I really wish the person who was making the decision for my disability could read this blog post. I want to be able to have financial independence but I need some financial stability so I can get something set up in my life that supports my mind’s needs.

In the meantime, I spoke to the prescriber yesterday. I’ve been really good about taking my medications. However, we’re going to increase the mood stabilizer to a full dose. I think I need to start carrying my gabapentin on me. That stuff does wonders for RLS. According to research, RLS may be exacerbated in those in which it’s already present by the damage of dopamine receptors. Dopamine receptors become damaged due to stimulant use because they release so much dopamine it destroys the receptors. While they can’t be repaired, new ones can be created so eventually I hope my RLS will calm down but it may take quite some time. A friend told me that one of their friends said that it took almost 3 years before they felt dopamine hits from regular activities. I don’t know how extensive their use was though.