My Biggest Challenges: A Journey Through Fear and Self-Sabotage
What are my biggest challenges? Where do I even begin to start? I guess I should start by saying that I’m known for self-sabotaging anything that could possibly give me an advantage in life. I don’t do it intentionally. I find myself in a situation where I have to make a choice, and no matter how much time, consideration, or external feedback I gather, I always end up making the wrong decision.
Bad Luck or Something Deeper?
I think a lot of people chalk it up to bad luck. This prompt made me question if mine stems from bad luck or something a little more complicated than that. It was a long time ago, but I remember hearing that people who don’t think they will succeed sabotage something so they don’t have to live through failure.
The Roots of My Fear of Failure
I’ve written about my fear of failure before. I have a real fear of it. And that fear mainly comes from other people having certain expectations of me. For instance, I remember when I was in elementary school and we took those standardized tests. My mother came out of the parent-teacher conference yelling. I thought she was mad at me!
I started to tear up. As she walked back to the car from the school building, she kept yelling things like, “Justin! What’s wrong with you?!” and “Why can’t you do better?” That sort of rhetoric continued all the way to the car. Then she saw my eyes welling up and yelled again, “Why are you crying?!” I had to explain to her that she was yelling at me and didn’t even explain why.
Confusion and Mixed Messages
She explained what happened in the conference. She said that the teacher had the results from our standardized tests. I wasn’t in attendance, but my mom told me that the teacher said I not only did well on the tests, but I was in the exceptionally high percentile of scores. My mom was astounded that I wasn’t excited. I told her about the yelling and how I was still shaken by that.
That prompted her to explain the yelling. She said that of course, she was proud of my test scores, but she was disappointed in my homework grades. The only reason I got through school at all was because I would go above and beyond on the tests. It would balance out the low grades in homework. The reason I didn’t want to do homework was because we spent all day at school doing schoolwork. I thought it a bit excessive for them to send several more hours of work home. That should have been our time.
Disagreements on Work Ethic
On this point, my mother and I disagreed quite a bit. I can see her point now. She said that if I would just follow through with the work, I could have easily been at the top of my class. I didn’t see the value in that at the time. To me, society wanted me to spend my childhood years in school training to spend my adult life in a cubicle somewhere. At least that’s the impression I had.
The whole thought of having to spend my life “contributing to society” didn’t seem like it would lead to a high quality of life. I wanted to explore other things. For example, when I was younger, I read a book about a destitute man who traveled the country on train cars. That seemed like an adventure-packed life to me. For a long time, I fantasized about running to the tracks and hopping the first car I could.
Reality Hits Hard
i was always too chicken, but as I got into my teens, it dawned on me that living that life would bring a lot of struggle as well. If I went down that path, I certainly would not have been a creature of comfort like I am now.
Embracing Courage Over Fear
Wow, I completely forgot what the prompt was. I had to look again. Sorry for rambling, but I think it all relates to my point. I don’t know if I’m able to make this determination, but if I could guess, I would say that I have a fear of failure. For me, it always seemed better to have not done and not failed than to have done the thing and failed.
While I was in treatment, I was introduced to Brené Brown. She is a renowned research professor, author, and public speaker. In one of her talks, Brené recounts a story about her daughter, Ellen, who was hesitant to participate in a swimming race because she felt she wasn’t as skilled as her peers. Brené encouraged her by emphasizing the importance of showing up and trying, regardless of the outcome. She conveyed to Ellen that courage is about showing up and letting ourselves be seen, even when there are no guarantees.
Lessons from Brené Brown
While I don’t have the exact quotation from that particular talk, Brené’s message underscores the value of vulnerability and the courage to participate, even when success isn’t assured. This aligns with her broader teachings on embracing vulnerability as a pathway to growth and connection.
Seeking Guidance for Personal Growth
Hearing about that situation connected with me. It stuck with me for quite a while. But it hasn’t been that long since I got out of treatment—only a little over a year. I would really like to explore my blocks some more, but the smartest way to go about that is to do so with the guidance of a professional.
Balancing Growth with Life’s Demands
I have so much self-improvement to work on. It’s intimidating as you learn more and more about your flaws how daunting it would be to rectify them. You really have to be diligent about setting time aside for personal growth. Typically, growth takes a lot of work.
It does make me wonder, though. With how much of an investment personal growth requires and just how much we have on our plates in terms of day-to-day responsibilities, are we even able to make any great strides in developing ourselves before it’s time to move on?
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