Fragile Tether in the First Snowfall

I called someone earlier tonight and it seemed to help. But, I guess it was only temporary. Lots of thoughts racing through my mind right now and no one I can go to.

One fragile tether holding me down, and does it even matter?

I’m thinking about taking a walk tonight. The first snowfall of the year seems peaceful, right?

I’m feeling really lonely right now, but doubt there is anybody out there worth reaching out.

He still brings me a little comfort, but does it make any sense?

When I was in high school, I told a friend about a feeling that I had. We were talking about where we imagined ourselves as adults. I explained to her the feeling that I’ve always had. She didn’t like to hear about it, but as the time nears I don’t see her anywhere in my life protesting now.

Right now, I’m just lying here on the couch debating the pros and cons of taking that late-night walk. Weighing the consequences against the possible reward…

I keep suggesting to myself that I just go to sleep and by morning, things will be a bit better. But then my mind slaps me across the face and asks, “How many times have we told ourselves that and we’re right back to the bottom.”

I have about $40 to my name right now. I think what I will do is try to imagine all the stupid ways I could spend that $40. Maybe it will work like a placebo and provide the effects of shop therapy without having to actually spend it?

I don’t know. This sadness, it doesn’t come in spurts. It’s always there. Even on good days. The good days are transient. This hopelessness is pervasive and permanent. It feels like my emotional foundation.

I have so much I want to say to people, but I don’t think it matters to anyone but me. So, I guess I will try to sleep. I won’t count sheep through, I’m just going to think the things I want to say to the people who aren’t around, and let the thoughts slip away unheard.

There is a certain catharsis that comes from the planning of a project. Even if you don’t put the plans into action, it feels productive in some way to at least get it planned out.