Begin Operation: Treatment

    So, it has been a while since I’ve posted to this blog. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go with it, or what I should post about. I knew I needed an outlet to release many of my internal emotions, dialog, conflict, and so much more.

    Well, I’ve had a very complicated relationship with addiction all my life. In adulthood, it manifests in an addiction to substances. My twenties were riddled with alcoholism and the havoc that wreaked upon my life and relationships. Now, in my thirties, my life is riddled with addiction to stimulants, particularly methamphetamines. 

    I should share that my journey into amphetamines started in my 20s. I’ve had people in my life prescribed it for a long time now, and often times they may share for whatever reasons. It was always something I would set aside a weekend for, stay inside and to myself, and just go on long “rabbit holes” for hours and hours. Sometimes I would clean, other times I would research, and more often than not I would self-indulge in pleasures.

    Well, a few years ago I transitioned into the street-variety because the prescriptions and those prescribed became less generous. I tried it twice, then found myself letting someone into my life with a very regular use problem. When they came into my life, they brought their habit and addiction with them, along with so many other things. 

    When we broke up, he made it very clear that I should not hold him accountable for my addiction. To some degree, he was right and I am glad he pointed that out. When I treated my alcohol addiction, I learned very hard that responsibility was going to be the first step to regaining control over my life and my choices.

    In meetings, you are told to admit that you do not have control, never had control, and will never have control. They make you come to terms with that because they feel if you think you can control it, you will think you can dabble and be okay. I think addiction is complicated and a blanket solution is not possible. However, I know that alcohol and stimulants are very different in how they interact within the body. So, while I may be able to have a beer or two one day and call it quits, speed a whole different game, with different rules, players, and pieces.

    I went 3 months clean over the summer. I was hoping that family would reconnect, and I would reestablish some of the lost connections of support that I had had. I had tried my hand at starting a business and when this business failed, I had come out further down than where I started; both materially and emotionally I thought that perhaps it would be okay to try using UP again. It was not.

    Within 3-4 days, I was in a psychotic break, unsure of what was real and what was not. This was my 3rd or 4th time in such a state. I am mostly certain staying where I was was not okay that night, but maybe not ever again. I was on the brink of losing what little I still had in life, and no idea what to even reach for to pull myself out. 

    I was fortunate, far more fortunate than many people in that position. I still had 1 lifeline left, a relative. I’ve since called upon her, and she is with whom I am staying currently. She made it very clear that this would be the last time. That if I fuck up again, I would be alone. I respect her for that. I respect that decision and that boundary. I cannot express how much gratitude I have for what she is doing.

    She is helping so many people in her life, every day. I know I should not feel like a burden, but I know that the help she can provide others is certainly stretched thin with me here. So, I have that and so many other reasons to do this the right way and make the right decision.

    I was watching a documentary about the James Webb Telescope and how they had several hundred “single-point failures.” These are areas, where 1 single engineering flaw or construction mishap and the entire mission is a failure. As the mission progressed and the satellite launched, the device extended certain necessary arrays and such, and the single-point failures were reduced more and more, but it was still precarious. 44 single-point failures and 244 single-point failures sound very different but each one is just as critical to the success of the mission as any other. But, as they reduced them they knew those tough moments were behind them because they were a success and they just had to focus on the future.

    Every day and every moment, every decision in my life is riddled with numerous single-point failures. I am so accustomed to making poor decisions after poor decisions that I walk this journey in extreme fear and anxiety. I know, to some, it may sound simple. Just don’t use it anymore. However, today was only the 2nd day of treatment and already I had to give myself a pep talk this morning. I only got 4 hours of sleep and it seemed like the 6 hours of treatment that I had ahead of me today was too much and I wouldn’t be able to do it. 

    Fortunately, I have a very needy cat who won’t leave my side. I have a very stubborn and big-hearted relative who hasn’t given up on me yet. And, I have a team of professionals who are willing to stand by my side and guide me through recovery.

    I don’t know if I will ever have a tally of how many single-point failures I started my mission with, but I am glad that I followed through today, even if it is just the second day. I know tomorrow I have more going for me when I wake up than I had today when I woke up. Every day, I will have more tools, more resources, more information, and hopefully more support back in my life in order to bring me to where I need to be. My purpose.

    Treatment has already opened up so many things for me. Trust, relationships, decision-making, anxiety coping, craving coping, behavioral activities, etc. Only two days in and I have a more keen awareness of even just terminology but also navigation through my experiences and emotions than through the 35 years of being a human.

    I remember when, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD, I looked at those symptoms over and over. I looked at the behavior patterns and the effects on decision-making. All of those things that coincide with a diagnosis. It felt liberating, it felt justifying to have a label or a name for the cause of the effects in my life. I have been trying to use that information to recognize the moments in which those diagnoses have their full effect and every day my eyes are opened more. 

    I wish I had begun the work and treatment then, I would be so much further along and ahead than I am today. However, as anyone who has suffered addiction whether in their own lives or in the lives of loved ones, a person has to hit rock bottom before they can dig themselves out. Like so many things in life, everyone has a different rock bottom. I hoped mine wasn’t so low, but I am happy to have finally found it and I recognize how fortunate I am to still have loved ones, even if very few, left to help encourage and guide me while I dig myself out.

    It will be a long journey, but so was the journey here. At least now I am more self-aware, knowledgable, capable, and driven. Maybe I will find myself lost some days, but I will have moments of clarity that I can reflect on to remind me why I decided to fight that day to choose life instead of death. That choice, let the ringing of that decision echo through my future and forever remind me of the gifts with which I am blessed.

Take care.