For the most part, I really enjoy the treatment program that I’m in. I feel that CBT & DBT really resonate with me. Not only does it make logical sense, but it’s very relaxed and forgiving. I really think that had it been strict and regimented, I would be in opposition to it the whole time. Everything that I’ve learned through treatment has proven useful in a lot of ways. Not only with addiction recovery, but depression, anxiety, mood stabilization, dealing with stressors, and more. Today, however… Today has been difficult. I left the house feeling annoyed today. I don’t…
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We learned in more depth what “schemas” are and how they affect us. For example, a big schema for me is abandonment or fear of abandonment. This schema plays out in my relationships in such a way that I tend to push people away before they can push me away. This also falls in line with my BPD. Our workbook defines schemas as “enduring negative patterns that develop during childhood or adolescence.” There are a lot of different schemas, but here are some of mine and examples of how they manifest: To people looking in from the outside, some of…
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First group, we spoke a bit about trauma. I think we’re supposed to touch on the subject but the way I’ve been reacting to things and bringing to my therapist makes me think they’re preparing me for the possibility that I may not be equipped to go through trauma based therapy yet. They spoke of the importance of having stability in one’s life before beginning trauma therapy. I can see the importance of that for sure. Stability though. I have had glimpses of that throughout my life but it’s always been just out of reach. Sorry, side note. It’s freaking…
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Well, today has been a shit show. This morning, I was not in the best of moods. I was able to calm down after I got some more rest though. Luckily, I got paid so I was able to get some new socks. Six pairs. I’m definitely grateful for that, and I was able to get a vape and pay my great aunt back some of the money I owe her. My next payment has to go to her and cat food. Then, I hope I’m caught up on nearly everything that I need. Tonight, I met a cousin of…
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I currently have a whopping 3 socks. Not 3-pairs of socks. 3 socks. One has a hole in them. So, 2 socks. I have 2 socks. 1 of those socks is dirty and stinky. I have 1 clean and whole sock. But Bonnie knows best, right? Bonnie to the rescue! She left me with a laundry basket of mismatched clothes. That’s what I have to live out of for now. I cannot keep living out of a laundry basket on someone’s couch. I cannot do it anymore. I’m going insane. I am trying so hard to get my shit together…
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Part of my therapy involves trauma. We haven’t gotten too heavily into it yet however, I received a handout from my therapist that has some very interesting information in it, especially with how it relates to me and my traumas. I’m both really excited to begin work on my trauma but also very anxious about the memories and emotions that it is going to bring up. I blocked out a lot of memories, especially from my childhood so I think it will be difficult to work through a lot of that, but I think it will be worth…
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New design, and perhaps a custom one to come!
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Last night, learning that someone went through my stuff hasn’t sat well with me. In fact, it’s affected me quite a bit. This morning, I sort of exploded and I was about to quit treatment and leave my family and live on the streets. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my therapists explained to me that it’s a very typical response for someone who experienced trauma. She said that the invasion of privacy is a clear indication of my schema. For some clarification on what schema is, I’ve asked a chatbot to put it into English…
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God damnit. I hate when people make decisions for you without your consent. I hate when they think they know what’s best for you. I hate it when they don’t take your needs or wants into consideration. I just wish everyone that says they loved me would show me a little more respect. If you’re not going to give me the respect to grab my own shit, at least communicate that with me. I was supposed to go and clean out my old room with family. I had asked to be a part of that. I know…
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Emotions. I think it’s safe to say that a majority of people experience emotions subconsciously, at least until they or the effects they cause become dramatic. I’ve always had an intuition that the unexamined emotional landscape is a force that is in control of one’s journey. In order to take back control, one needs to become aware of the interplay of emotions one experiences in the day, bringing this awareness to the conscious mind. In order to do that, a person must recognize the emotions they are experiencing first. I think for most people, that is the most difficult…