Emotions & Trauma

    Part of my therapy involves trauma. We haven’t gotten too heavily into it yet however, I received a handout from my therapist that has some very interesting information in it, especially with how it relates to me and my traumas. I’m both really excited to begin work on my trauma but also very anxious about the memories and emotions that it is going to bring up. I blocked out a lot of memories, especially from my childhood so I think it will be difficult to work through a lot of that, but I think it will be worth it.

    The packet explains that there’s painful emotions that come from the trauma, specifically when you re-experience it. This can cause a sense of heightened physiological arousal. I’m sure most of the people who read this are familiar with that, but it looks like feeling jumpy, shake or easily startled. I’m sure we’ve all had these reactions, maybe not to trauma. This is due to the fight or flight response which can be a very intense feeling when it comes up, for that reason we may be naturally inclined to avoid such experiences.

    Remembering past events or intrusive thoughts can bring up these emotions. Intrusive thoughts is remembering past traumatic events, like watching a movie. However, there are people who experience something called flashbacks. Those are two different things, because flashbacks feel more like you’re reliving the moment. It’s more akin to being in the movie as opposed to watching it. Both can cause very difficult emotions and experiences to surface.

    Dealing with these emotions and physiological reactions can be quite difficult. While doing this packet, I tried to think of myself around the time the abuse happened in my childhood. It’s not at all surprising that I would block the traumatic experiences out. I doubt there is any 4 year old that is capable of processing such events in a healthy way. I am a bit worried that the block will hinder me and my ability to process what happened, which would be a shame because it’s believed that it is the catalyst for both of the diagnoses that I have: BPD & PTSD.

    Upon reflection, throughout my life I have spent a lot of time avoiding my trauma. Much of that in the form of addiction. From eating sweets, through alcoholism, to stimulants. I also had a lot of anger as a child. I went through some counseling from a young age, so I am able to manage that quite a bit now, but it still sometimes comes out. Another aspect of that that displays in my behavior is irritability. It primarily feels as though during difficult times, my fuse is short. Sometimes, I even take this out on Bubba by snapping at him, which makes me feel horrible. Luckily, he’s the most patient being I’ve ever met.