Discipline, Depression, and Personal Growth: A Journey of Self-Discovery

In my past, there have been a good number of people who have gone out of their way to help me through difficult situations. I’ve been treading water through turbulence for a relatively notable amount of time now. While I still find myself having to navigate my own challenging scenarios, I am trying to maintain my focus on the aspects of my situation that I can control.

About a month ago, my therapist and I were in the midst of a very philosophical discussion wherein he invited me to ponder the question, “Do I owe myself anything, and how do I get it?” To which I wrote quite a lengthy post, but I wasn’t satisfied enough with the construction of it to post it. It was catharetic all the same, and I may share it at a future date. I digress, but as I mentioned in the post the question is a part of series of questions pertaining to Existentialism Therapy.

Did I just hear groans? I’m certain this type of therapy doesn’t pique the interest of many people, but I find it intriguing. I spent a considerable amount of time contemplating it and weighing the various options that came to mind. For example, I considered just giving a surface-level generic response about owing myself more stuff, or owing myself more compassion. However, I felt those were easy reaches.

After a respectful amount of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that right now in my life what I owe myself more than anything is discipline. I haven’t formulated into a cohesive thought as to why, until now. If there’s a weight system by which the qualities that one lives their lives weigh and outweigh each other, affecting the balance… then my life thus far is wildly out of balance in the quality of discipline. I think I would be hard pressed to find someone that truly knows me that would argue that I have exhibited an exceptional or even sufficient level of discipline in my life.

Through this reasoning and thanks to the many calories spent considering this topic over the past month, I think that honing in on discipline is going to provide the biggest leap toward a more balanced flow in my life. II think it could be equated to what is called minmaxing. In gaming, “minmax” refers to optimizing a character or strategy by minimizing weaknesses and maximizing strengths, often at the expense of other attributes or playstyles, to achieve peak performance.

Upon introspective examination (of the novice sort, of course. I don’t claim to be any divine expert in this), I believe my current greatest weakness is my lack of discipline. To focus on reducing this weakness, or even turning it into a strength provides the maximum benefit for the most efficient effort. Then, when I’m more balanced here I begin evaluating the next trait to be developed. At least that is the plan or story-thing I tell myself that qualifies me as an adulting person.

After explaining some recent background, like me explain where I was going when I started this blog post. Sorry for any whiplash, my thought patterns feel cohesive so just take my lead. Throughout my life, one of the most challenging conditions that I have had to cope with is Major Depressive Disorder. This illness manifests pretty blatantly for me. I tend to let a lot of responsibilities go by the wayside.

When I reflect on it, there are a decent number of people in my past that stepped in and helped fulfill some of those responsibilities. As of recently, I find myself in a situation that affords me the ability to show up for someone in a similar capacity. Inspired by my goal of training my discipline quality, I am putting forth my effort to see this through just as those who have been supportive to me have done in the past.

When one spends some effort absorbing the nuances of life and circumstances, one can’t help but notice small synchronicities like this, wherein life provides opportunities. A crucial skill to have though is being able to recognize them when they’re present. Perhaps that is one of the reasons we’re given time here on Earth. Of which, I think there may be many.

So, I’ve managed to express something that has been blocked for me for over a month. It brings with it a sense of accomplishment. Now, to get back to my other task for more accomplishments.