Concentric Circles

    There were a couple of things that were brought up in treatment that I really wanted to discuss, even if just with myself. I sent a text message to a friend concerning them and thought it could be really constructive to do a more in-depth examination since these topics seemed to be quite illuminating when I was speaking on them in treatment.

    Relationships and trust have always been quite atypical for me. One of the best friends I have, I just approached after the first day of freshman year of high school and told her that she and I would be friends. Fortunately, she found this amusing and was very receptive. I’m in my mid-thirties and we’ve been friends the whole time. We even lived together for 10 years, during our twenties.

    During one of the group sessions yesterday, we were given a paper with a place for a list on the left side of the paper, and on the right side of the paper, there were several concentric circles. First, we were instructed to list all of the people in our lives and their relationships with us. 5 years ago, I would have had an extensive list. Yesterday, seeing that on paper it was quite shocking how short my list was. I have to admit, I did quite a bit of trimming before my addiction started, as I transitioned from my twenties to my thirties I felt it was important to trim down the acquaintances and to place more value in those with whom I consider a friend or an intimate relationship. 

    I could check the paper but I doubt I was able to list more than a dozen people that are currently in my life in some real way. Many of those people were listed as hopefuls. By this, I mean that they have chosen to leave me while I go through this journey. Now that I have begun recovery, I put them on my list in hopes of reconnecting with them. Of course, much of this decision is up to them and I am aware I have much work to do before it is even appropriate to approach them about reestablishing a relationship.

    Once we had this list constructed, we were to place the names within the circles. The innermost circle was for our name. The next largest circle was for intimate relationships, those whom we trust with our secrets, we can depend on unconditionally, and know us on the deepest of levels. The next largest circle was friendships. These are people that we spend time with, and we’re comfortable with, but they may not be quite as close or trusted as our intimate relationships. Finally, the largest circle is for those we would consider acquaintances. For these, I think of those people who when asked how I am doing, I would respond, “Good” and chalk it up to small talk. These people care, but they may not share the connection or bond that requires honesty on such levels.

    There were several things that came to me during this exercise. Things that I would probably not have realized had it not been for participating in this activity. Dr. Phil is on in the background as I write this, and he just used the word ‘sabotage’ I thought it was profound that he used that word at the exact moment that I was trying to figure out the direction of explaining my realizations. While, some relationships are very easy for me to form, like the aforementioned one; maintaining relationships can prove to be difficult.

    One of the challenges that I have struggled with my whole life is a fear of abandonment. This is one of the common symptoms of someone who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This fear of abandonment manifests in quite unusual way. For some, like my twin, it can lead her to cling to those in her life with an intense fear of them leaving. I remember being in my twenties when she and I were heavy drinkers. I was babysitting her children while she went out for drinks with the father of her children. They came home, and as usual, an argument started. At one point, her husband had enough and got in his car and began to drive away. I remember watching out the window as she yelled for him to come back, running down the street chasing his car. 

    For me, this fear manifests in a different way. In relationships, whether they be friendships or romantic, I tend to fear the person crossing me or leaving me and I will try to break off the relationship prematurely. Sometimes, I will sabotage in subconscious ways, or other times I will outright say goodbye to the person and tell them we’re done. I remembered yesterday, in my most recent romantic relationship that my partner came to me and told me, “You know, you’ve tried to break up with me eight times this week?” Hearing that in such a definitive and quantifiable way really put into perspective just how much this affects me and my relationships.

    That relationship was a difficult one, full of turmoil. After we broke up, some friends of mine… well, several friends had pointed out that I don’t have a good judge of character. That was difficult for me to hear but when I evaluated my history with friends and people I brought into my life, it was undeniable. I don’t know how much that relates to the BPD or the trauma I’ve been through but I can see how victims of abuse bring more abusers into their life. These patterns form, unintentionally in my experience. I’m not 100% certain why, but I think some of it comes from a comfort brought by familiar circumstances. I know that my self-value is quite low, so I’ll often make friends with people who are not good people because I feel that the more friends I have, the better I am.

    I have a lot of work to do on myself, and more understanding to gain about the relationships in my life. I hope I can get some skills for making good relationships and maintaining those relationships. I am worried though. Is ‘judge of character’ a trait that a person can develop? Can I build this skill? If so, how would I go about doing so? I imagine I have to evaluate my past relationships and weigh the pros and cons to determine if the person was a good person in my life or not. Then, perhaps try to pinpoint red flags that I should have perceived before inviting them into my space.

    Ultimately, these things I am unsure about but I hope that I’m able to gain understanding through treatment. I’m afraid that I may become a shut-in and choose not to form new relationships which is a scary thought but can serve as a means of protection. Perhaps, if I can become a better judge of character, I will be able to choose better people for my life. And if I can recognize the behavior that hinders good relationships, I can make adjustments and those relationships that are good can be maintained and strengthened.

    I think I have been fortunate up until now. I have had a good amount of good people in my life. People came with a lot of patience and understanding. People that gave me a lot of opportunities to make poor decisions and gave me a lot of forgiveness. I can see that not everyone is fortunate in this way. I would like to give that back to people someday. After I work on myself, certainly. But, I think everyone deserves someone on their team, someone rooting for them. I don’t know if I can be everybody’s somebody, but maybe I can be somebody to a couple of people and that may in its own way be repayment for the fortune I’ve had.

Take care.