Visceral Flashbacks

Today, after I got done with my doctor’s appointments, I went to therapy. The first group session we had was on values and what values were important. Then we had lunch break (I know, good timing.) Then, after lunch, we talked about co-dependence and healthy vs unhealthy relationships. It started by watching a video of a Ted Talk. It was very eye-opening. The presenter went over several different abusive relationship red flags. My most recent relationship had every one of them. They were all super prevalent in the relationship. Seeing that video brought back so many toxic memories.

It brought back the beginning of the relationship. When he was always begging to spend time with me. I was working two jobs, so I wasn’t home as often as I wanted. This really bothered him. This morphed into so many fights about how I work too much. Then I would explain that I wouldn’t have to work so much if he would get a job himself. Then he would come back with excuses about why he was having such a hard time finding jobs.

She also explained how possessive or jealous a partner can be. About midway through the relationship, he would accuse me of sleeping around on him. In the beginning, he asked if we could have an open relationship. I told him it was new for me but as long as he was open about it and didn’t keep things a secret, I would give it a try. Of course, he kept most of his contacts a secret. Later, I would find out why. The sheer number of them. I considered the lying and sneaking to be more cheating than anything else. As per usual, when someone knows they’re doing something wrong, they easily blame the other person. I would be working, delivering food. He would be tracking my GPS and proclaiming that I was on Grindr, sleeping with guy after guy after guy just during a single shift. These accusations came a couple times a week, every week.

I had flashbacks to coming home to him in some sort of psychotic break, starting fights with me and trying to escalate them. I think that was the hardest. He wanted me to stay away from loved ones, “We never spend time alone.” Then he would switch to, “We need to get money to pay the bills.” Despite working two jobs, that was again, left to me. That part came up at the doctor today as well. The trauma talk was extensive today.

I remember when he said that I didn’t allow him to have friends. I would let him go to guys’ houses all the time. Later, I found out it was to sleep with them. So many of them messaged me after he left. I suppose they wanted to clear their conscience, so they told me about this time or that time. Some of them even had 3+ occurrences. After he left, I was contacted by people from miles around, from Green Bay, through Fond du Lac. I still have flashbacks to those conversations.

There was one part of the video, where she talked about the manipulation, and throwing blame. That part really got to me. I’m sorry if in describing the video, I lack context details. It was very provoking to listen and watch. The similarities between the cartoon characters and me and my ex were spot on. Mixed in, what I believe he had ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and my BPD (borderline personality disorder), it becomes even more explosive and emotionally charged. Even more abusive. I know for sure I have PTSD from my childhood, but I believe I have it from this relationship as well. I don’t know if a diagnosis like that can compound or double up, but the way I was emotionally charged up today, it’s very clear that something traumatic happened.

Here is what ChatGPT has to say about someone with ASPD and someone with BPD dating:

While I am not a mental health professional, and individual situations can vary widely, there are some general considerations regarding why individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) might face challenges in a romantic relationship:

1. Emotional Instability (BPD): People with BPD often experience intense and rapidly shifting emotions, which can be challenging for both the individual and their partner. This emotional volatility may lead to difficulties in communication and maintaining stability within the relationship.
2. Fear of Abandonment (BPD): Individuals with BPD may have a heightened fear of abandonment, which can lead to clingy behavior or emotional outbursts. This fear may be difficult for a partner with ASPD, who may struggle with forming and maintaining emotional connections.
3. Impulsivity (BPD and ASPD): Both BPD and ASPD are associated with impulsivity, although the nature of the impulsivity can differ. This shared trait may result in impulsive decisions or actions that could negatively impact the relationship.
4. Lack of Empathy (ASPD): People with ASPD may have difficulty understanding and empathizing with the emotional needs of their partner. This can lead to a lack of emotional support and connection, which is crucial for a healthy relationship.
5. Manipulative Behavior (ASPD): Individuals with ASPD may engage in manipulative behaviors to achieve their goals, which can be damaging to the trust and stability of a relationship. This can be particularly challenging for someone with BPD, who may be more sensitive to perceived manipulation.
6. Conflict Resolution Difficulties (BPD and ASPD): Both disorders can contribute to challenges in resolving conflicts within the relationship. People with BPD may struggle with emotional regulation during conflicts, while those with ASPD may have difficulty compromising or understanding the emotional impact of their actions.

It’s important to note that individuals with mental health disorders can still have successful relationships, but it often requires a commitment to self-awareness, therapy, and effective communication. The challenges associated with BPD and ASPD may make relationships more difficult, and seeking professional advice is crucial for understanding and managing these challenges. If you or someone you know is dealing with these issues, it is recommended to consult with mental health professionals for personalized guidance.

Needless to say, all of those symptoms arose in our relationship. I tried so hard to de-escalate situations, or resolve conflicts. Eventually, I would have to leave. I did that so much that he even tried to start a conflict over that. I still hear his voice in my head, “YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU LEAVE LIKE THAT!” I knew, and it was because he wanted a fight, he thought it was going to work through something. There’s healthy arguing and then there’s destructive and manipulative fighting. He wanted the latter.

I’m glad I’m out of that relationship, but today made it very apparent that I’m not over it. I was looking forward to trauma therapy, but I think I have a lot of stuff to work on before then? I’m not sure. I’m going to be talking to my therapist tomorrow morning during individual time to figure out what it all means. I just remember shaking, my hands going cold, my core getting warm, my stomach getting upset and visions flashing in my eyes of the fights we would go through, his voice yelling in my ears and blaming me for all the things he used to blame me for. The video was done, and the therapist who showed it said that if we needed to take a break, we could. I told her I was taking one and I left that room so fast. I went to a private room, that had bubble machines running and I just tried to calm myself down for maybe 20 minutes. The feelings were so visceral. I can feel myself feeling panicked right now.

For that reason, I’m going to cut this post short. There’s so much more to say on this topic though, so it certainly won’t be the last.

Take care.