The Midnight Musings of a Restless Soul

God, how I envy people who can sleep on command. What a luxury it must be. Here is what my nightly routine has been for quite some time now:

1. Play some video games until about 9 PM
2. Get ready for bed until about 10 PM
3. Watch videos or read until about 11 PM
4. Toss & Turn
5. Message a friend
6. Toss & Turn
7. Write a blog post
8. Toss & Turn
9. ad infinitum

I just wish that tonight I had something more exciting to post about. Instead, I can’t seem to muster thoughts of anything other than how much of a failure I am. Late at night, I lay in bed and ponder the situation I am in.

I hate it.

This is how pathetic things have gotten… I’m actually praying these days. I never pray because I feel it’s redundant. Doesn’t the creator already hear our every thought? What weight does it have if it comes in the form of prayer? What even is prayer? For me, I just earnestly repeat thoughts in my head hoping someone or something can receive them.

I asked ChatGPT what prayer is and how to do it. Its response seems pretty religious. Specifically Christianity-like:

Prayer is a way people communicate with a divine being or higher power, such as God, to express gratitude, seek guidance, ask for help, or simply talk about their thoughts and feelings. The way to pray can vary widely among different religions and individuals, but here’s a very simple guide to get started:

1. Find a Quiet Space: Choose a place where you can be undisturbed and can focus on your prayer.
2. Adopt a Posture for Prayer: This can vary; some people kneel, some sit, some stand, and some even walk. Choose a posture that feels respectful and appropriate for you.
3. Clear Your Mind: Take a moment to calm your thoughts and focus on the intention behind your prayer.
4. Address the Divine: Begin your prayer by addressing the divine being or higher power you believe in, using any titles or names that feel right to you.
5. Speak from the Heart: There’s no need for formal language unless that’s what you prefer. You can thank the divine for blessings in your life, ask for help or guidance, pray for others, or express your feelings and thoughts.
6. Listen: After speaking, spend some time in silence, opening your heart to any response or feeling of peace that may come.
7. Close Your Prayer: End your prayer with a word or phrase of closing, such as “Amen,” or any other sign-off that signifies the end of your communication.

Remember, prayer is deeply personal, and there’s no “wrong” way to do it. It’s about your individual relationship with the divine, so feel free to adapt these steps to fit your beliefs and comfort level.

I like how it adds that there’s no wrong way to do it. Good. Because I lay down, close my eyes, and telepathically scream forth my desires into whatever abyss there is. Yep. That’s a prayer for me. This whole 7-step process seems juvenile. I don’t even like the AA 12-step process, why would I want a prayer 7-step process?

Maybe this is my form of prayer. Blogging. Sometimes it seems like I’m telepathically screaming into an abyss when I’m doing this. It feels much better, I’ll tell you that much. It’s very cathartic. I know I’ve used that word a lot to describe writing in my blog, so let’s find some other words that can be used instead. I like “therapeutic” or “cleansing.” “Releasing” and “liberating” are nice too. Another word I found is “transformative.” I don’t think that’s quite how I would describe blogging. Maybe it’s transformative in the sense that I’m releasing my problems, cleansing and liberating myself of them, and making them someone else’s problems. You’re welcome.

Another form of “prayer” that I like to use is mantras. “Patience & Persistence” has been a mantra of mine for quite some time now, but sometimes I wonder if repeating a mantra over and over makes it lose its meaning. Eventually, you hear the word as just meaningless syllables. Another mantra I’ve been hearing more often lately and that my mother used to say is, “Things will get better.” Or, another variation is, “Things always get better.” Something along those lines. Do they though? Do things get better? Always is quite a huge word in its meaning.

It used to bring me comfort when my mother would say it, but now it just feels hollow when I hear it. I wonder if that’s what “the divine” thinks of my prayers since I’m not on my knees, bedside, with my palms touching… Are my thought-screams hollow to them? Is that why they’re so infrequently answered? No, my intuition tells me it’s because there’s another path destined for me. Another journey that I’m meant to go on that I’m unaware of as of yet. My prayers, as much as I want them to be answered may not entirely fit with this path in life that I’m about to go on. You know what I say to that? A little insight goes a long way. Yeah, that’s a hint.

More like a plea.