Facing Fears and Chasing Spooks: A Personal Reflection

Since the moment that I saw today’s daily prompt, I have been having a hard time pinpointing exactly how I want to answer it. I guess that I will just answer it honestly with the first thing that comes to mind. The thing that I’m most scared to do is fail. This is funny because looking back on my life it is riddled with failures. You would think that by now I would be used to and even numb to failure. However, it still holds me back quite a bit. The fear of failure prevents me from making decisions and taking on challenges.

I don’t know. The more that I ponder this prompt, the more I begin to question whether it’s failure that I’m afraid of or success that really makes me afraid. I know that one thing that holds me back from furthering my education is that I’m afraid that once I graduate and get a job in the field that I choose, I won’t like the job and that will mean that all of that time and effort was wasted. It’s a silly fear because if you have a degree it would be better than not having a degree if you choose to go into a different field, right? Or am I just making that up?

I don’t know what I’m most scared to do. I suppose there are the typical answers that people provide like skydiving or handling venomous animals. I’m trying to think a little more abstractly than that though. I know that oftentimes I’m afraid to make a decision and take a leap because so many times in my life it has resulted in failures. I mean, look at the situation that I’m in right now.

I guess one thing that I’m scared to do is face rejection. That brings me a lot of anxiety. I think it’s important to distinguish fear and anxiety though. Fear deals with a known and present threat while anxiety deals with the anticipating of a perceived threat, right? Fear is more in line with feeling scared.

There’s a lot of things that scare me:

• heights
• confined spaces
• drowning
• suffocation
• being buried alive

But these are all just phobias, I think. Does that count? Ooooh, I know. One thing that I’m scared to do is to face the unknown. I think that’s a pretty universal fear. It’s very broad in definition as well, though. I think everybody is afraid of what they don’t know. You know, the things that go bump in the night. Last night was interesting. I think I woke up while still half-dreaming because I could have sworn that when I woke up there were little people standing around my bed. That scared me.

So, the next question is, “What would it take to get me to do it?” To face the unknown? A strong motivating force. I know that I faced a lot of unknowns when there was a loved one in danger. For example, the night I saw the peeker. I faced that head-on because I cared about my partner. I would sacrifice myself in order to protect the ones that I love. I remember that my partner was upset with me for having tried to track down whatever it was that was in the apartment. I was unapologetic though. I would do it again.

I don’t know. I’m 36 years old. If something that lurks around corners and hides in the shadows is going to hurt me, it has had plenty of time to do so while I sleep. Even factoring in my insomnia, I’ve spent a lot of time asleep and defenseless. I just figure that if I see a spook, chase it. Confront it. Or just downright greet it and see what the hell it wants. Then again, isn’t that why they say that men have shorter lifespans than women? Because we tend to charge head-first into a situation and ask questions later?