Navigating Recovery: Overcoming Addiction and the Quest for Normalcy

Let me explain my most recent post, I’m the Leper.

If you’ve been following this blog for the several months that I’ve been maintaining it, you’ll be aware of the fact that I’m a recovering addict. In about a week, I’ll have been clean for about 3 months. I don’t like to tout that number because I don’t want the rest of my life to be dictated by the fact that I have an addiction. I don’t like the idea of being one of those people that defines my life by the last date that I used the drug. To me, it gives too much power to the substance.

Sorry, I had to stop writing. My cat, Bubba, likes to sit by my cousin’s apartment door and meow longingly for a friend. I guess having me as a friend isn’t enough he needs feline friends. Which reminds me, I caught him spraying again today so I think I’m going to have to save money to get him fixed.

Back to what I was saying before. I’m in recovery. I’ve been through treatment, a two-month program that included both outpatient hospitalization (6 hours a day) and intensive outpatient (3 hours a day). I did that for about two months. I documented a lot of it in my blog…

The point I’m trying to make is that while I know addiction will be a lifelong battle for me, I’ve taken the first steps to recovery. I’ve made a commitment. I am doing the work that is necessary to get my life back on track. I know I will have to fight against the urges probably for the rest of my life. I get that. I also understand that it will take time for these wounds between me and my loved ones to heal. However, I still feel like a second-class citizen… or rather, a second-class family member.

What I mean by that is that everyone in the family is fighting some sort of addiction. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, food, gossip, or what-have-you. The fact that I am working on bettering myself, making improvements, and fighting to get back to a sense of normality in my life should count for something. But instead, I have people on both sides of the family fighting to eradicate me.

What’s really tiring is that when I’m sobering up and need support, people are hesitant to give it to me. I’m not on the drugs, I am me, I am my normal self. Like my great-aunt says, it takes a village. I need my village right now. I don’t need nay-sayers and doubters. That stuff isn’t going to help me. People need to recognize that when I am through this slump, those who have stuck by me will still be by me at my best. Those who deserted me at my most difficult times won’t be there for my best. That’s just how it is.

When my sister was fighting addiction, I didn’t throw her to the wolves and say, “Hit rock bottom faster!” I told her that I was there for her and that when she hit rock bottom, I would be there for her too. Just like how my great-aunt is doing for me now. I also tried not to enable her, which is a difficult line to walk. I understand that. Not enabling doesn’t have to mean walking away from the person. It can mean being available for them when they’re ready to make healthy decisions. It can mean waiting for them to call out for help.

I remember last summer, I was sober for 3 months. I didn’t have very little in the way of family and friends for support. I was by myself most of the time. Fortunately, I had my business to preoccupy me. I don’t have that now, I have other things. But, this feels different. I know that if I give up this time, the journey is over for me. I have to make this work, one way or another. I just hope that those who say they love me are there for me when I need them.